Learning Log
14 July 2018
*she sits down, interlocks fingers, pushes her hands out until the reassuring cracking of the joints is heard, slowly tilts her head side to side, takes a sip of her coffee and then starts typing*
Two weeks in and I certainly have been on a steep learning curve, however I have to say I have been thoroughly enjoying it, I am finding it addictively absorbing. I first approached the course with my work head well and truly screwed on tight "right, what do we have to do, when do we have to do it by, lets crack on and get those plates spinning." As I skim read the introductory pages, I was automatically filtering out what I thought would not be relevant to me, cantering on instead to the tasks and assignments.
Luckily I stopped myself before I ran too far down that track. This course was not meant to be about adding chores and tasks to my vast never ending "to do" list, instead it was meant to be a switch off from the inevitable harsh realities of life, a pleasurable escape. Doing something I have always contemplated, but never have done due to a fear and self doubt which have only recently departed. I want to learn, I want to experiment, I want to bring photography into my day to day life rather than only have it as a pleasure experienced on holiday.
With this in mind, I started again. If I am going to do this, lets do it right. Internet is going to be pretty key for this course, so better stop nicking the neighbours internet (which I do with their consent) which has a habit of dropping out frequently, and set it up properly. A printer has been purchased and I have worked through the Introduction to Studying HE (one of those items which Work me had dismissed as unnecessary), I have perused through the online learning logs of other students (some of which are amazing works of art in their own right) and I have (finally) managed to get my own blog up and running, this involved a bit of swearing and a large amount of gin and tonic.
I have already discovered a new photographer, Gregory Crewdson, whose work immediately enticed me, an exhibition in 2019 which I will most definitely make the effort to attend (Don Mccullin) and the lore of the couch with its mind numbing tv has weakened, all of which has made me feel like an excited kid, I want to create.
*she sits down, interlocks fingers, pushes her hands out until the reassuring cracking of the joints is heard, slowly tilts her head side to side, takes a sip of her coffee and then starts typing*
Two weeks in and I certainly have been on a steep learning curve, however I have to say I have been thoroughly enjoying it, I am finding it addictively absorbing. I first approached the course with my work head well and truly screwed on tight "right, what do we have to do, when do we have to do it by, lets crack on and get those plates spinning." As I skim read the introductory pages, I was automatically filtering out what I thought would not be relevant to me, cantering on instead to the tasks and assignments.
Luckily I stopped myself before I ran too far down that track. This course was not meant to be about adding chores and tasks to my vast never ending "to do" list, instead it was meant to be a switch off from the inevitable harsh realities of life, a pleasurable escape. Doing something I have always contemplated, but never have done due to a fear and self doubt which have only recently departed. I want to learn, I want to experiment, I want to bring photography into my day to day life rather than only have it as a pleasure experienced on holiday.
With this in mind, I started again. If I am going to do this, lets do it right. Internet is going to be pretty key for this course, so better stop nicking the neighbours internet (which I do with their consent) which has a habit of dropping out frequently, and set it up properly. A printer has been purchased and I have worked through the Introduction to Studying HE (one of those items which Work me had dismissed as unnecessary), I have perused through the online learning logs of other students (some of which are amazing works of art in their own right) and I have (finally) managed to get my own blog up and running, this involved a bit of swearing and a large amount of gin and tonic.
I have already discovered a new photographer, Gregory Crewdson, whose work immediately enticed me, an exhibition in 2019 which I will most definitely make the effort to attend (Don Mccullin) and the lore of the couch with its mind numbing tv has weakened, all of which has made me feel like an excited kid, I want to create.
2 September 2018
A significant period of time has elapsed since my inaugural entry, however in many ways the last seven weeks have all been about photography. I have spent three weeks travelling, taking lots of photos, which whilst I am happy with them, I again see the gap in what I want I currently produce and the results I would love to achieve. However subtle changes have been afoot as well. I started this course with the belief that the sole aim was to improve my technical knowledge and skills. I suppose this was an assumed ignorance gained from other short form photograph courses I have perused but not pursued. However after speaking to my tutor and starting to read Langford's Basic Photography I have realised that the technical aspect is just an aside, the bigger question is "who am I as an artist".
I feel that I have opened a Pandora's box. I knew on signing up to the course that I had little knowledge on the topic photography, however it has (unexpectedly for me) opened me to the artistic world. One which in the past would have made me fearful, because I would have felt inferior and self conscious and as a result would have shied away from. My first response to the question "who am I as an artist" would have been "I am not one" and that is one of the reasons I have not signed up to a photography course until now despite wanting to for twenty years, I was scared I would be told I was an interloper, I did not have the skills and was foolish for thinking I may have them. The game changer happened over the summer, when a gallery owner noted that a tutor was there to encourage, not destroy.
During the week there was a former A level art teacher speaking on Front Row on Radio 4. She described that at the start of the course, she would teach them about posture, about relaxing, how to move. One of their first tasks would be to hold a pencil and draw a circle in the air for a few minutes, before then putting pencil to paper and drawing it properly. The aim to was to loosen them up, to stop the fear before they approach the task.
My response now to "who am I as an artist" is that everyone has an artistic side, I am curious to find out the extent and depth of mine. Like those A level art students I feel that I have loosened up, I have relaxed, I am not fearful. I am aware of the basic level of my skill, however the paralytic effect of self doubt and self consciousness has dissipated.
This is just one of the rabbit holes that this course has already sent me down. Others include the exploration of photographers, learning about the different styles of photography, the challenging of my instinctive reaction to how some things are presented (just because I feel it is coming across as exclusionary pretentious twaddle, it doesn't mean there is not some validity in what is being said or things I can learn) and I am only just at the beginning.
I am finding myself spending more time exploring where these tangents take me, rather than focussing on the exercises or updating this blog. I need to make sure that I don't go too far off piste. Whilst the beauty of this course is the generosity of the time lines, I should not loose sight of the tasks I need to undertake and the milestones I need to reach.
A significant period of time has elapsed since my inaugural entry, however in many ways the last seven weeks have all been about photography. I have spent three weeks travelling, taking lots of photos, which whilst I am happy with them, I again see the gap in what I want I currently produce and the results I would love to achieve. However subtle changes have been afoot as well. I started this course with the belief that the sole aim was to improve my technical knowledge and skills. I suppose this was an assumed ignorance gained from other short form photograph courses I have perused but not pursued. However after speaking to my tutor and starting to read Langford's Basic Photography I have realised that the technical aspect is just an aside, the bigger question is "who am I as an artist".
I feel that I have opened a Pandora's box. I knew on signing up to the course that I had little knowledge on the topic photography, however it has (unexpectedly for me) opened me to the artistic world. One which in the past would have made me fearful, because I would have felt inferior and self conscious and as a result would have shied away from. My first response to the question "who am I as an artist" would have been "I am not one" and that is one of the reasons I have not signed up to a photography course until now despite wanting to for twenty years, I was scared I would be told I was an interloper, I did not have the skills and was foolish for thinking I may have them. The game changer happened over the summer, when a gallery owner noted that a tutor was there to encourage, not destroy.
During the week there was a former A level art teacher speaking on Front Row on Radio 4. She described that at the start of the course, she would teach them about posture, about relaxing, how to move. One of their first tasks would be to hold a pencil and draw a circle in the air for a few minutes, before then putting pencil to paper and drawing it properly. The aim to was to loosen them up, to stop the fear before they approach the task.
My response now to "who am I as an artist" is that everyone has an artistic side, I am curious to find out the extent and depth of mine. Like those A level art students I feel that I have loosened up, I have relaxed, I am not fearful. I am aware of the basic level of my skill, however the paralytic effect of self doubt and self consciousness has dissipated.
This is just one of the rabbit holes that this course has already sent me down. Others include the exploration of photographers, learning about the different styles of photography, the challenging of my instinctive reaction to how some things are presented (just because I feel it is coming across as exclusionary pretentious twaddle, it doesn't mean there is not some validity in what is being said or things I can learn) and I am only just at the beginning.
I am finding myself spending more time exploring where these tangents take me, rather than focussing on the exercises or updating this blog. I need to make sure that I don't go too far off piste. Whilst the beauty of this course is the generosity of the time lines, I should not loose sight of the tasks I need to undertake and the milestones I need to reach.
9 September 2018
I keep on missing the Point...
I have spent the past week focussing on the various exercises within Part One. I had shot some photos for Exercise 1.1 The Instrument in July, however I decided to re-do these "properly" i.e. put some time, effort and thought into it, rather than taking a few quick snaps within 30 seconds. Exercise 1.3 Line I am more than happy with, I am attracted to lines within my photography anyway, however I am unsure if I have captured all the elements that lines can bring, i.e. forced myself to do something new, rather than just take the same types of photos I already was. I will only really see when I review my photos later. I have already started contemplating Exercise 1.4 The Frame and took some sample photographs for this as well. My main stumbling block so far is Exercise 1.2 The Point.
My issue has being trying to compose a photo which captures the point (no pun intended). Whilst a good reference example photo in the course notes is useful, it also tends cloud and dominate my mind as I ruminate for ideas. I have taken two sets of photographs for this exercises, however I think I have completely missed the point, both times.
"A point should be small in relationship to the frame; if it is too large it becomes a shape" - EVY course notes
The items I have chosen to be my point I suspect I have photographed in a manner that they are a shape rather than a point. As I was grappling with this, it lead me to this weeks main learning point - ensuring I have access to good reference and learning material. I looked up this topic within Langford's Basic Photography and whilst it covered lines it did not cover points. Accordingly Amazon saw a spike in activity on my account as I purchased more introductory photography books.
Whilst potentially blazing obvious to other students from the beginning, I now see that the course notes only contain the briefest of tasters on each of the topics. To fully understand each of the concepts being introduced will require me to go beaver away and teach myself. Knowing where to go to is my current mission, whilst awaiting for the postman to deliver his burden, I have tried to find on the internet course notes from other reputable photography courses (so far I have only stumble across a Standford open access course). Although as typing this a rather dull bell is ringing in my mind about the numerous online resources available to me via the OCA student website. I had better go check those out quick smart. I do sometimes wonder about the level of my intellect, however I suppose at least I got there eventually....
I keep on missing the Point...
I have spent the past week focussing on the various exercises within Part One. I had shot some photos for Exercise 1.1 The Instrument in July, however I decided to re-do these "properly" i.e. put some time, effort and thought into it, rather than taking a few quick snaps within 30 seconds. Exercise 1.3 Line I am more than happy with, I am attracted to lines within my photography anyway, however I am unsure if I have captured all the elements that lines can bring, i.e. forced myself to do something new, rather than just take the same types of photos I already was. I will only really see when I review my photos later. I have already started contemplating Exercise 1.4 The Frame and took some sample photographs for this as well. My main stumbling block so far is Exercise 1.2 The Point.
My issue has being trying to compose a photo which captures the point (no pun intended). Whilst a good reference example photo in the course notes is useful, it also tends cloud and dominate my mind as I ruminate for ideas. I have taken two sets of photographs for this exercises, however I think I have completely missed the point, both times.
"A point should be small in relationship to the frame; if it is too large it becomes a shape" - EVY course notes
The items I have chosen to be my point I suspect I have photographed in a manner that they are a shape rather than a point. As I was grappling with this, it lead me to this weeks main learning point - ensuring I have access to good reference and learning material. I looked up this topic within Langford's Basic Photography and whilst it covered lines it did not cover points. Accordingly Amazon saw a spike in activity on my account as I purchased more introductory photography books.
Whilst potentially blazing obvious to other students from the beginning, I now see that the course notes only contain the briefest of tasters on each of the topics. To fully understand each of the concepts being introduced will require me to go beaver away and teach myself. Knowing where to go to is my current mission, whilst awaiting for the postman to deliver his burden, I have tried to find on the internet course notes from other reputable photography courses (so far I have only stumble across a Standford open access course). Although as typing this a rather dull bell is ringing in my mind about the numerous online resources available to me via the OCA student website. I had better go check those out quick smart. I do sometimes wonder about the level of my intellect, however I suppose at least I got there eventually....
23 September 2018
Perception is all. This website is what I will be judged on in respect of my participation and progression through the course, yet it is the thing I put off the most. At present I have immersed myself in books and notebook scribblings in my chickenscratch handwriting, grabbing the 20 spare minutes as the dinner is in the oven and the smell of garlic is permeating through the kitchen, to pick up the various concepts that are dragging me off on tangents and down rabbit holes. I am aware that there is a ultimate deadline, that the idea is to progress through the course, to keep moving along rather than just stop at the first point and become fully distracted in the minutiae of the new concepts. Yet I find myself wanting to always follow the thread just that little bit further. Histograms being a prime example, what was introduced as a concept to show that no two photos will ever be the same, there will always be imperceptible differences, has sent me down a path of retaking the shots, sampling photoshop, watching you tube tutorials on photoshop.... I am wrapping myself up in a duvet of interested curiosity and distraction, whilst only keeping the vaguest of eyes on the necessary course admin. In a world and life in which so much is timetabled and dictated by deadlines, I am loathe to put a grey constricting element to this course, I am enjoying my child like freedom too much. A vast turnaround from the attitude in which I first approached this, with my work head, problem solving, project completing mindset screwed on. Even if I don't fulfil all criteria as set out, that is perhaps the biggest objective already achieved. This has given me a much needed, enjoyable, immersible escape.
Perception is all. This website is what I will be judged on in respect of my participation and progression through the course, yet it is the thing I put off the most. At present I have immersed myself in books and notebook scribblings in my chickenscratch handwriting, grabbing the 20 spare minutes as the dinner is in the oven and the smell of garlic is permeating through the kitchen, to pick up the various concepts that are dragging me off on tangents and down rabbit holes. I am aware that there is a ultimate deadline, that the idea is to progress through the course, to keep moving along rather than just stop at the first point and become fully distracted in the minutiae of the new concepts. Yet I find myself wanting to always follow the thread just that little bit further. Histograms being a prime example, what was introduced as a concept to show that no two photos will ever be the same, there will always be imperceptible differences, has sent me down a path of retaking the shots, sampling photoshop, watching you tube tutorials on photoshop.... I am wrapping myself up in a duvet of interested curiosity and distraction, whilst only keeping the vaguest of eyes on the necessary course admin. In a world and life in which so much is timetabled and dictated by deadlines, I am loathe to put a grey constricting element to this course, I am enjoying my child like freedom too much. A vast turnaround from the attitude in which I first approached this, with my work head, problem solving, project completing mindset screwed on. Even if I don't fulfil all criteria as set out, that is perhaps the biggest objective already achieved. This has given me a much needed, enjoyable, immersible escape.
29 September 2018
Thank god for gin.
So this week's rabbit hole threw me into the world of photographic theory. The aim was to understand the meaning of the words "formal" "aesthetics" and "medium specificity". After many hours of reading, on occasion re-reading sentences to try and develop at least a vague sense of what was attempted at being imparted, I have learned that the quick and simple solution in these situations is to consult Wikipedia first.
My instinctive reaction is that there does not need to be photographic theories. If photographic practitioners and viewers wish to explore photography via a certain viewpoint and through a certain manner, then they are more than welcome. However to codify that viewpoint, ascribe a validation to it and vigorously argue with others to which viewpoint is the correct one is a practice I have little inclination or energy for.
As I was wading though what at times felt like treacle, I thought of the analogy of football. The teenager player/fan can fully appreciate the game, the nuances, the passion, the technical application. The old men in the pub supping pints spending hours arguing over which side was better, the one from 1964 or 1978, the greatest manager, which position was the best for a player 20 years retired etc, may have a lot of knowledge, but is it necessary knowledge? If the teenager learned all the arcane knowledge and partook in the debates, would that make him a better player or fan? I would argue not and I would not view it as an essential or even necessary part of their learning.
My instinctive issue is with the self importance ascribed to the theories by the theorist. I also take issue with what at times feels deliberately obfuscating language. To know your subject deeply is to be able to explain it clearly in a manner that even a young child would be able to understand. This is not an approach taken by many in the field of photography theory it appears.
I am not Princess Kate, the history of art does not appeal to me. I will explore it as much as is necessary for the course, but it will be with the enthusiasm of a child undertaking a piece of dreaded and deeply unloved piece of homework.
That said, there were golden nuggets amidst the masses I read that got me thinking and cogitating about concepts I had never considered, so not wasted time, just hard going on occasion.
Thank god for gin.
So this week's rabbit hole threw me into the world of photographic theory. The aim was to understand the meaning of the words "formal" "aesthetics" and "medium specificity". After many hours of reading, on occasion re-reading sentences to try and develop at least a vague sense of what was attempted at being imparted, I have learned that the quick and simple solution in these situations is to consult Wikipedia first.
My instinctive reaction is that there does not need to be photographic theories. If photographic practitioners and viewers wish to explore photography via a certain viewpoint and through a certain manner, then they are more than welcome. However to codify that viewpoint, ascribe a validation to it and vigorously argue with others to which viewpoint is the correct one is a practice I have little inclination or energy for.
As I was wading though what at times felt like treacle, I thought of the analogy of football. The teenager player/fan can fully appreciate the game, the nuances, the passion, the technical application. The old men in the pub supping pints spending hours arguing over which side was better, the one from 1964 or 1978, the greatest manager, which position was the best for a player 20 years retired etc, may have a lot of knowledge, but is it necessary knowledge? If the teenager learned all the arcane knowledge and partook in the debates, would that make him a better player or fan? I would argue not and I would not view it as an essential or even necessary part of their learning.
My instinctive issue is with the self importance ascribed to the theories by the theorist. I also take issue with what at times feels deliberately obfuscating language. To know your subject deeply is to be able to explain it clearly in a manner that even a young child would be able to understand. This is not an approach taken by many in the field of photography theory it appears.
I am not Princess Kate, the history of art does not appeal to me. I will explore it as much as is necessary for the course, but it will be with the enthusiasm of a child undertaking a piece of dreaded and deeply unloved piece of homework.
That said, there were golden nuggets amidst the masses I read that got me thinking and cogitating about concepts I had never considered, so not wasted time, just hard going on occasion.
28 October 2018
Hello stranger
Ahh, after getting into such a nice routine with my studying and photography, reality has come storming in, pissed of and with a vengeance. 60 plus hour work weeks, working at weekends, travel, both social and work, tiredness to the point of zombification and now the hallmarks of the start of a chest infection such that I have a hot water bottle literally strapped to my chest. Before when work has bullishly dominated my time and my life, I have just got my head down and carried on. However this time I have been genuinely upset. It has stopped me from doing what I was enjoying. I am fearful that now the routine has broken will I be able to get into the groove again, is this something that will get buried under a layer of dust and dashed hopes. I read comments about intentions to complete the degree within a handful of years and note that I am four months in and only starting the second part, it instinctively makes me feel like I am slowly letting myself be left behind.
Deep breath in, looks into an imaginary mirror, gets out the imaginary wet fish and slaps around the face.
Work may be busy for the foreseeable future, however it will not be as horrifically busy as it has been for the last few weeks. The elephant is eaten one bite at a time, sometimes a whole feast can be consumed, other times it is only a canape, the key is to keep on trying. Don't allow defeatism to win the day.
Hello stranger
Ahh, after getting into such a nice routine with my studying and photography, reality has come storming in, pissed of and with a vengeance. 60 plus hour work weeks, working at weekends, travel, both social and work, tiredness to the point of zombification and now the hallmarks of the start of a chest infection such that I have a hot water bottle literally strapped to my chest. Before when work has bullishly dominated my time and my life, I have just got my head down and carried on. However this time I have been genuinely upset. It has stopped me from doing what I was enjoying. I am fearful that now the routine has broken will I be able to get into the groove again, is this something that will get buried under a layer of dust and dashed hopes. I read comments about intentions to complete the degree within a handful of years and note that I am four months in and only starting the second part, it instinctively makes me feel like I am slowly letting myself be left behind.
Deep breath in, looks into an imaginary mirror, gets out the imaginary wet fish and slaps around the face.
Work may be busy for the foreseeable future, however it will not be as horrifically busy as it has been for the last few weeks. The elephant is eaten one bite at a time, sometimes a whole feast can be consumed, other times it is only a canape, the key is to keep on trying. Don't allow defeatism to win the day.
4 November 2018
We are back on the horse!
After a month of doing nothing, I have spent a productive week slowly getting my head around some of the basic key concepts of photography. I have spent time each evening, tap notes away and for the first time this weekend, I properly experimented with my camera. Setting a scene and taking the same photo but with a different aperture setting each time, then modifying the scene and repeating. My old chemistry lecturer may be pleased to know that some of the experimental methodology he taught me finally came to some use. I am starting to understand some of what my camera can do and how I can influence and change that and most importantly know why and how I would want to do that. It is the smallest of in roads but for so long the practical theory around photography has felt like a dense impenetrable mass, it is nice to feel like I am starting to properly understand.
I think approaching this with patience and realism has helped. For so long I have just wanted to understand and understand instantly. I am aware that to develop a deep knowledge and understanding takes time and lots of experience, it is only through repeated trying do you finally learn. The fact that I know what I am trying to achieve with each exercise, I am happy to experiment away.
I have also managed to break out of my courtyard garden this weekend, which has so far been the default starting back drop for various exercises. Much to my chagrin and fighting against the immense general malaise I felt, I set out to destination unknown. At the different location, whilst I did not get the photos I had initially planned, I obtained others and I came across an idea for the next assignment which instantly flourished in my mind and which would never have sparked if I hadn't forced myself out. Lesson learned, creativity will not always come to these homely four walls, I need to go out and find it.
We are back on the horse!
After a month of doing nothing, I have spent a productive week slowly getting my head around some of the basic key concepts of photography. I have spent time each evening, tap notes away and for the first time this weekend, I properly experimented with my camera. Setting a scene and taking the same photo but with a different aperture setting each time, then modifying the scene and repeating. My old chemistry lecturer may be pleased to know that some of the experimental methodology he taught me finally came to some use. I am starting to understand some of what my camera can do and how I can influence and change that and most importantly know why and how I would want to do that. It is the smallest of in roads but for so long the practical theory around photography has felt like a dense impenetrable mass, it is nice to feel like I am starting to properly understand.
I think approaching this with patience and realism has helped. For so long I have just wanted to understand and understand instantly. I am aware that to develop a deep knowledge and understanding takes time and lots of experience, it is only through repeated trying do you finally learn. The fact that I know what I am trying to achieve with each exercise, I am happy to experiment away.
I have also managed to break out of my courtyard garden this weekend, which has so far been the default starting back drop for various exercises. Much to my chagrin and fighting against the immense general malaise I felt, I set out to destination unknown. At the different location, whilst I did not get the photos I had initially planned, I obtained others and I came across an idea for the next assignment which instantly flourished in my mind and which would never have sparked if I hadn't forced myself out. Lesson learned, creativity will not always come to these homely four walls, I need to go out and find it.
11 November 2018
A week of sunshine and showers
I have ensured that photography has been given its own dedicated time each day this week, showing it love, affection and attention. Another book has been purchased to add to the now firmly established growing collection. However my enthusiasm and glee experienced during the course of the last week fell off a cliff last night. It is the icy cold grip of imposter syndrome, which can instantly place my confidence in a strangle hold . I am aware that I am like a four year old playing with her crayons, my photographs are produced with passion but they are not nuanced with technical skills. Then there is that unplanned, unavoidable moment when the wonky rainbow and stick man crayon drawing is compared to Mona Lisa and results in the horrible sinking realisation that I may not have the talent, that je ne sais quoi, that necessary but unteachable skill to progress and produce the quality of work that I would like.
This fear has been ever present, it was one of the reasons it took me over twenty years to finally sign up to a photography course. I will not let fear stop me, I have some horrible reminders in my life at present as to the shortness of life. So time to brush myself down, put some plasters on those wounds and don the big girl pants.
And what precipitated this sudden cliff descension? Looking at other student's learning logs. Seeing the quality of work they are producing and instantly feeling inferior. Suddenly questioning is what I am producing good enough, am I being left behind, am I able to be good enough, am I just deluding myself with my crayons?
The logical rational part of my brain is aware that my success or failure with this venture is purely down to me and my efforts. The stella work produced by others has no impact on my progression or the level of my talent. Whilst it could be a very useful tool, I think it would be wise if I stay away from the learning logs of others. Alongside triggering quite apparent insecurities, it also instantly blinkers me, seeing the well executed interpretation of exercise and assignment briefs results me in thinking of no other way it can be implemented.
So I will shut the doors to my well lit, cozy hermit cell and for the time being just focus on my child like crayon drawings.
And the sunshine I hear you ask?
Well the warm space photography is carving out in my life, it is a soothing blanket I like to wrap myself in. Learning about the cinematographer Gregg Toland and how depth of field can tell a complicated tale in one shot which the viewer can explore, rather than pulling them along the story spoon feeding them with a series of shots.
Being out early on a Saturday morning, photography mission in hand, knowing the shots I wanted to take and trying to find them.
When lining up a shot, actually looking at the numbers in the viewfinder, purposefully changing one of them to a level I wanted and knowing the impact of that (let's be honest this is the only one number in the viewfinder I know about...so far).
Checking my photos on the back of the screen after I have taken them. Photography has been the sole preserve of holidays, were battery maintenance is key, it is only now I am getting out of the power conservation mindset. This meant on the spot learning, on one photography the focus point had fooled the sensor, by checking it straight away, I was able to take another photo, with much better colour contrast and saturation. The moment saved and captured, whereas in days of old the error would only have been noticed when safely back home, long after the moment had disappeared.
The sunshine is, is that I am learning.
A week of sunshine and showers
I have ensured that photography has been given its own dedicated time each day this week, showing it love, affection and attention. Another book has been purchased to add to the now firmly established growing collection. However my enthusiasm and glee experienced during the course of the last week fell off a cliff last night. It is the icy cold grip of imposter syndrome, which can instantly place my confidence in a strangle hold . I am aware that I am like a four year old playing with her crayons, my photographs are produced with passion but they are not nuanced with technical skills. Then there is that unplanned, unavoidable moment when the wonky rainbow and stick man crayon drawing is compared to Mona Lisa and results in the horrible sinking realisation that I may not have the talent, that je ne sais quoi, that necessary but unteachable skill to progress and produce the quality of work that I would like.
This fear has been ever present, it was one of the reasons it took me over twenty years to finally sign up to a photography course. I will not let fear stop me, I have some horrible reminders in my life at present as to the shortness of life. So time to brush myself down, put some plasters on those wounds and don the big girl pants.
And what precipitated this sudden cliff descension? Looking at other student's learning logs. Seeing the quality of work they are producing and instantly feeling inferior. Suddenly questioning is what I am producing good enough, am I being left behind, am I able to be good enough, am I just deluding myself with my crayons?
The logical rational part of my brain is aware that my success or failure with this venture is purely down to me and my efforts. The stella work produced by others has no impact on my progression or the level of my talent. Whilst it could be a very useful tool, I think it would be wise if I stay away from the learning logs of others. Alongside triggering quite apparent insecurities, it also instantly blinkers me, seeing the well executed interpretation of exercise and assignment briefs results me in thinking of no other way it can be implemented.
So I will shut the doors to my well lit, cozy hermit cell and for the time being just focus on my child like crayon drawings.
And the sunshine I hear you ask?
Well the warm space photography is carving out in my life, it is a soothing blanket I like to wrap myself in. Learning about the cinematographer Gregg Toland and how depth of field can tell a complicated tale in one shot which the viewer can explore, rather than pulling them along the story spoon feeding them with a series of shots.
Being out early on a Saturday morning, photography mission in hand, knowing the shots I wanted to take and trying to find them.
When lining up a shot, actually looking at the numbers in the viewfinder, purposefully changing one of them to a level I wanted and knowing the impact of that (let's be honest this is the only one number in the viewfinder I know about...so far).
Checking my photos on the back of the screen after I have taken them. Photography has been the sole preserve of holidays, were battery maintenance is key, it is only now I am getting out of the power conservation mindset. This meant on the spot learning, on one photography the focus point had fooled the sensor, by checking it straight away, I was able to take another photo, with much better colour contrast and saturation. The moment saved and captured, whereas in days of old the error would only have been noticed when safely back home, long after the moment had disappeared.
The sunshine is, is that I am learning.
17 November 2018
An apathetic day. I was up early, the potential to achieve much was there ready to be taken. Yet I find myself happily sitting letting the time wilfully slip through my fingers, no striding off around the island, camera in hand today. The decompression of the week taking longer than planned. I feel like I am in a continual fight between my world of work, where I am under a constant barrage of spud gun attacks. The aim often being to get to the end of the day still standing and preferably with no new snafu's identified. Then there is the world of photography, the one in which I try and grab a few short precious moments with, to hug and snuggle and which often gets left behind. They are like competing children, one clamours for all of the attention and energy, the other suffering because of it.
Again the self doubt, faithful companion that it is, sits in the background, just within eye line, making sure it is known that it is there.
*****
There was some beautiful light this afternoon, as the thick fog that had enveloped us for the last 36 hours finally gave way. The sun stoically fighting its way through provided some beautiful spot lights on the horizon. The sea becoming an atmospherically lit and emotionally charged theatrical stage between the competing sun and fog. I of course was without camera and on a bus as I watched this beauty play out in front of me. It made me think of Fay Goodwin's response on being told that she was lucky with the light on a landscape photograph, noting that she wasn't lucky, she had patiently waited three days for that brief moment. Natures beauties are often unscripted and fleeting, lasting but a moment.
I am glad I witnessed it, I know now what a beautiful image could be created, I know the circumstances upon which it may arise. We will see if I have sufficient patience and desire a la Fay to capture sure a moment.
*****
This has been a week of reading, rather than doing. Again immersing myself in photographic theory, this time less gin was required and fewer hackles raised. I find the split that is fundamental in photography, the scientific/academic versus the practical creative on occasion hard to navigate between. I find it difficult to coalesce it together into one coherent form, the pure scientific of focusing, exposure and the like, the intellectual theoretics which seem to cover every school of humanity possible with a cacophony of divergent views and then the creative, the all important forming and framing of the image. I am able to focus on one at a time, maybe two, but not all three. It can feel like some devilish extension of patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time. I am being made to think about photography in many different ways, which is good and I do find interesting, the identification of so many assumptions I did not know I even held and the challenging of them. It can all just feel a bit overwhelming to take on in one hit.
I also seem to be currently contemplating the fundamental nature of teaching. This has arisen as a result of undertaking internet searches for some of the exercises and seeing many results come back with the learning logs of previous OCA students. A curriculum is not new, teaching is based on setting out a pathway and guiding students along it in a manner that they gain the knowledge and skills desired. Our formative years are spent in the company of many going through this process. However I never had access to my fellow students inner thoughts, I wasn't able to see in detail the nuances of how they progressed, I did not see their skill in full unadulterated light. A fellow student may have been called on for an answer, however their homework book and exam script was not available for perusal if we so wished. That was only in the purview of the teachers.
Learning is such a personal journey, it is by definition a journey of discovery. In schooling you are aware that others have gone before you and others will follow. You do not feel that you are on the cutting edge of human knowledge, there are no grandiose ideas of Higgs Boson's discovery moments, however it is a personal Neil Armstrong moment when learning something new and there is that unique aspect of how that new knowledge fits in with the unique mix of experiences, memories, personality of each individual.
However being able to see so very clearly the steps the others have taken before me on this path, seeing the way this interaction plays out of the new knowledge and them, somehow (if I dwell on it) for a reason I cannot explain it takes that joy of the personal Neil Armstrong moment away. This is not new, many have been before me.
Why should this matter? This is a course teaching photography. I view photography as art, something that sings and provides succour to the soul. The value of art is strongly ascribed to the talent of the artist. Something that is unique to that individual. They likely trained to learn more about the skills of their art and experience would have honed this knowledge further, however the fundamental talent cannot be taught or attained. A person who does not draw, cannot through teaching, dedication and perseverance produce the artwork of Edward Hooper. This is something intrinsic, it is there or it is not.
And this is the crux, my old friend self doubt. Everyone has talents, however you may not have talent in the area you desire. The ability to view the learning logs of others allows (for the self critical) for the quicker comparison and judging against fellow students, the easier identification of who has that je ne sais quois and who may not.
This won't stop me continuing with this course, or the instinctive happiness photography gives me. However it is good to identify the demons who call out from the cheap seats, bring them into the light, understand them. Maybe I will have that gin after all.
An apathetic day. I was up early, the potential to achieve much was there ready to be taken. Yet I find myself happily sitting letting the time wilfully slip through my fingers, no striding off around the island, camera in hand today. The decompression of the week taking longer than planned. I feel like I am in a continual fight between my world of work, where I am under a constant barrage of spud gun attacks. The aim often being to get to the end of the day still standing and preferably with no new snafu's identified. Then there is the world of photography, the one in which I try and grab a few short precious moments with, to hug and snuggle and which often gets left behind. They are like competing children, one clamours for all of the attention and energy, the other suffering because of it.
Again the self doubt, faithful companion that it is, sits in the background, just within eye line, making sure it is known that it is there.
*****
There was some beautiful light this afternoon, as the thick fog that had enveloped us for the last 36 hours finally gave way. The sun stoically fighting its way through provided some beautiful spot lights on the horizon. The sea becoming an atmospherically lit and emotionally charged theatrical stage between the competing sun and fog. I of course was without camera and on a bus as I watched this beauty play out in front of me. It made me think of Fay Goodwin's response on being told that she was lucky with the light on a landscape photograph, noting that she wasn't lucky, she had patiently waited three days for that brief moment. Natures beauties are often unscripted and fleeting, lasting but a moment.
I am glad I witnessed it, I know now what a beautiful image could be created, I know the circumstances upon which it may arise. We will see if I have sufficient patience and desire a la Fay to capture sure a moment.
*****
This has been a week of reading, rather than doing. Again immersing myself in photographic theory, this time less gin was required and fewer hackles raised. I find the split that is fundamental in photography, the scientific/academic versus the practical creative on occasion hard to navigate between. I find it difficult to coalesce it together into one coherent form, the pure scientific of focusing, exposure and the like, the intellectual theoretics which seem to cover every school of humanity possible with a cacophony of divergent views and then the creative, the all important forming and framing of the image. I am able to focus on one at a time, maybe two, but not all three. It can feel like some devilish extension of patting your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time. I am being made to think about photography in many different ways, which is good and I do find interesting, the identification of so many assumptions I did not know I even held and the challenging of them. It can all just feel a bit overwhelming to take on in one hit.
I also seem to be currently contemplating the fundamental nature of teaching. This has arisen as a result of undertaking internet searches for some of the exercises and seeing many results come back with the learning logs of previous OCA students. A curriculum is not new, teaching is based on setting out a pathway and guiding students along it in a manner that they gain the knowledge and skills desired. Our formative years are spent in the company of many going through this process. However I never had access to my fellow students inner thoughts, I wasn't able to see in detail the nuances of how they progressed, I did not see their skill in full unadulterated light. A fellow student may have been called on for an answer, however their homework book and exam script was not available for perusal if we so wished. That was only in the purview of the teachers.
Learning is such a personal journey, it is by definition a journey of discovery. In schooling you are aware that others have gone before you and others will follow. You do not feel that you are on the cutting edge of human knowledge, there are no grandiose ideas of Higgs Boson's discovery moments, however it is a personal Neil Armstrong moment when learning something new and there is that unique aspect of how that new knowledge fits in with the unique mix of experiences, memories, personality of each individual.
However being able to see so very clearly the steps the others have taken before me on this path, seeing the way this interaction plays out of the new knowledge and them, somehow (if I dwell on it) for a reason I cannot explain it takes that joy of the personal Neil Armstrong moment away. This is not new, many have been before me.
Why should this matter? This is a course teaching photography. I view photography as art, something that sings and provides succour to the soul. The value of art is strongly ascribed to the talent of the artist. Something that is unique to that individual. They likely trained to learn more about the skills of their art and experience would have honed this knowledge further, however the fundamental talent cannot be taught or attained. A person who does not draw, cannot through teaching, dedication and perseverance produce the artwork of Edward Hooper. This is something intrinsic, it is there or it is not.
And this is the crux, my old friend self doubt. Everyone has talents, however you may not have talent in the area you desire. The ability to view the learning logs of others allows (for the self critical) for the quicker comparison and judging against fellow students, the easier identification of who has that je ne sais quois and who may not.
This won't stop me continuing with this course, or the instinctive happiness photography gives me. However it is good to identify the demons who call out from the cheap seats, bring them into the light, understand them. Maybe I will have that gin after all.
2 December 2018
It has felt a tad like wading through molasses of late. A lot of tinkering at the edges but not many great strides being taken. Admittedly there has been a crossing of a decade milestone between the last entry and this, which required extensive celebration and significant recovery.
It is the acknowledging and realisation that the recording, the collation, the polishing of the final product (including this learning log) takes substantially more time that then actual taking of the photographs. I want to do a good job, I want to produce a body of work that I am proud of. I've known people who produced the most beautiful scrapbooks, replete with drawings, murmurings, well placed images. I always wanted to produce something similar, but have never had the dedication to see it through. I do not want this learning log to fall into the same pitfall, where only the bare essential of items end up being posted. That the care as to how things are presented is no longer present. That I don't take the time to post samples of my groundhog experimenting photographs for the sole reason that it would take too long. That is one of the beauties of this course, other than the two year end date, there are no fixed deadlines, time can be taken to tinker, polish, make things shine and if the time can't be taken now, then when can it.
Yesterday was wholly consumed by just updating and tinkering with the log. I am unsure if the output is obviously indicative of the time spent, however I feel much happier for it. One of my key take aways is that I need to be a bit more structured in my approach. At present I am very scattergun, a bit of reading here, a few notes there, a few bits that still need updating. A think a some more focus would help.
One of the major breakthrough's of the week has been the dipping my toe into the student forum, which considering my musings above surprised even me and was not expected. What prompted this about turn? I had hit an impasse with Assignment Two. I had gone as far as I could and had reached the stage where I couldn't see the wood for the trees. However I knew that it was not the finished product and the only way that further changes would be made was if others reviewed it. Kindly two fellow students did respond and I took on board their suggestion. No defences were raised, no sensitivities stepped on, no umbridge taken. An important step forward.
It has felt a tad like wading through molasses of late. A lot of tinkering at the edges but not many great strides being taken. Admittedly there has been a crossing of a decade milestone between the last entry and this, which required extensive celebration and significant recovery.
It is the acknowledging and realisation that the recording, the collation, the polishing of the final product (including this learning log) takes substantially more time that then actual taking of the photographs. I want to do a good job, I want to produce a body of work that I am proud of. I've known people who produced the most beautiful scrapbooks, replete with drawings, murmurings, well placed images. I always wanted to produce something similar, but have never had the dedication to see it through. I do not want this learning log to fall into the same pitfall, where only the bare essential of items end up being posted. That the care as to how things are presented is no longer present. That I don't take the time to post samples of my groundhog experimenting photographs for the sole reason that it would take too long. That is one of the beauties of this course, other than the two year end date, there are no fixed deadlines, time can be taken to tinker, polish, make things shine and if the time can't be taken now, then when can it.
Yesterday was wholly consumed by just updating and tinkering with the log. I am unsure if the output is obviously indicative of the time spent, however I feel much happier for it. One of my key take aways is that I need to be a bit more structured in my approach. At present I am very scattergun, a bit of reading here, a few notes there, a few bits that still need updating. A think a some more focus would help.
One of the major breakthrough's of the week has been the dipping my toe into the student forum, which considering my musings above surprised even me and was not expected. What prompted this about turn? I had hit an impasse with Assignment Two. I had gone as far as I could and had reached the stage where I couldn't see the wood for the trees. However I knew that it was not the finished product and the only way that further changes would be made was if others reviewed it. Kindly two fellow students did respond and I took on board their suggestion. No defences were raised, no sensitivities stepped on, no umbridge taken. An important step forward.
9 December 2018
Slowly puttering away.
This has been a week of slow but steady progress. As I tenderly dip my toe into high speed photography I can hear my old science teacher chuckle ruefully in the background. The AM Worthington's drawings in the Splash of a Drop of the apparatus required to take his photographs instantly transported me back to secondary school and the many hours spent undertaking physic experiments and never once managing to get them to work. This was re-enforced when watching a clip of Harold Edgerton demonstrating his milk splash photography.
I wanted to try and get my head fully around the exact mechanics, fully understand exactly how it worked. However I instinctively knew that this wouldn't be so much a rabbit hole as wholesale mine excavation and that maybe it was best to leave it to another time.
I undertook more groundhog photography, this time with the shutter speeds and I was able to instantly see the problem that triggered these intelligent men to investigate this world and come up with such beautiful solutions.
I like how photography is engraining itself into my day to day life. The dissipation of the fear of experimenting. I wonder why it has taken me so long, why have I not previously undertaken the basics of seeing all the things my camera can do, what was the clearly present barrier that I did not recognise and found so insurmountable.
Slowly puttering away.
This has been a week of slow but steady progress. As I tenderly dip my toe into high speed photography I can hear my old science teacher chuckle ruefully in the background. The AM Worthington's drawings in the Splash of a Drop of the apparatus required to take his photographs instantly transported me back to secondary school and the many hours spent undertaking physic experiments and never once managing to get them to work. This was re-enforced when watching a clip of Harold Edgerton demonstrating his milk splash photography.
I wanted to try and get my head fully around the exact mechanics, fully understand exactly how it worked. However I instinctively knew that this wouldn't be so much a rabbit hole as wholesale mine excavation and that maybe it was best to leave it to another time.
I undertook more groundhog photography, this time with the shutter speeds and I was able to instantly see the problem that triggered these intelligent men to investigate this world and come up with such beautiful solutions.
I like how photography is engraining itself into my day to day life. The dissipation of the fear of experimenting. I wonder why it has taken me so long, why have I not previously undertaken the basics of seeing all the things my camera can do, what was the clearly present barrier that I did not recognise and found so insurmountable.
27 January 2019
Mute
I am not feeling talkative at present, both verbally and in written form. The vagaries of life manifested themselves in all their ugly colours over the "festive" period. There is much to say, however I when I pick up a pen or hover fingers over a keyboard, I cannot enunciate, communicate, put forth. For a month, the books and camera gathered dust in a corner, suddenly not providing the solace they did a short while before.
I have since fought the inertia, picked up my camera, exercised my shutter finger, slowly turned the seized cogs. I am making progress, but slowly. I am abstractly picking things up and putting them down, like a half eaten piece of toast, rather than completing each piece of work or research.
I am aware that the main aim of the log is to demonstrate and evidence the self-learning undertaken, rather than some form of whimisical musing. Taking that as a tangent, exactly what whilst in my non-communicative fug have I undertaken.
Fate intervened with Paul Vincent sending an email about the inaugural monthly meet up, which prompted me to once again re-engage. A comment made by Henning during the conversation about different photographic publications prompted me to research and sign up to some. Expand and build my exposure to other photographers.
Walks undertaken to clear my mind and exercise my shutter finger helped coalese two ideas for Assignment Three, again re-emphasising to me that I need to get out and embrace the unknown and unexpected.
I submitted work for critique, despite previous and still current misgivings this was an overall positive experience. On occasion the amount I have to learn and master can feel overwhelming, but as in any journey, it starts with the first step. And I cannot learn if I do not become educated in my shortfalls.
I am slightly frustrated at my inability to master focus, it is where I fall down most often. I need to ensure I get to the bottom of this and fully understand it, rather than just become dispondent and let the inner two year old in me spit her dummy out, stick two fingers up and stomp off.
Mute
I am not feeling talkative at present, both verbally and in written form. The vagaries of life manifested themselves in all their ugly colours over the "festive" period. There is much to say, however I when I pick up a pen or hover fingers over a keyboard, I cannot enunciate, communicate, put forth. For a month, the books and camera gathered dust in a corner, suddenly not providing the solace they did a short while before.
I have since fought the inertia, picked up my camera, exercised my shutter finger, slowly turned the seized cogs. I am making progress, but slowly. I am abstractly picking things up and putting them down, like a half eaten piece of toast, rather than completing each piece of work or research.
I am aware that the main aim of the log is to demonstrate and evidence the self-learning undertaken, rather than some form of whimisical musing. Taking that as a tangent, exactly what whilst in my non-communicative fug have I undertaken.
Fate intervened with Paul Vincent sending an email about the inaugural monthly meet up, which prompted me to once again re-engage. A comment made by Henning during the conversation about different photographic publications prompted me to research and sign up to some. Expand and build my exposure to other photographers.
Walks undertaken to clear my mind and exercise my shutter finger helped coalese two ideas for Assignment Three, again re-emphasising to me that I need to get out and embrace the unknown and unexpected.
I submitted work for critique, despite previous and still current misgivings this was an overall positive experience. On occasion the amount I have to learn and master can feel overwhelming, but as in any journey, it starts with the first step. And I cannot learn if I do not become educated in my shortfalls.
I am slightly frustrated at my inability to master focus, it is where I fall down most often. I need to ensure I get to the bottom of this and fully understand it, rather than just become dispondent and let the inner two year old in me spit her dummy out, stick two fingers up and stomp off.
10 March 2019
Life, or more accurately death, keeps on getting in the way. Six weeks, two funerals, discombobulated and numb appearing as the predominant themes of 2019. In the initial aftermath, I did attempt to finalise Assignment Three, however upon putting it out there for critiquing it become apparent that the entire brief had been missed. This in and of itself did not disconcert me too much, I was happy with the photos I had taken, the lessons I had learned from the process (revisit, retake, helping nurture grains of ideas grow into something tangible, don't cull ideas too soon, explore all). I happily acknowledged that if the question is not answered no points are on offer and I tootled back to the drawing board. Unfortunately the drawing board has remained blank. At a time when basic functioning can take all available energy and brain capacity, no alternatives ideas for the assignment have come forth. My camera has become an extension of me, I took it out for a four hour walk, yet it firmly remain ensconced in its bag, the desire to hermit, hide away from the world, for both of us is strong.
Photography is still providing some solace, going out on a whim and asking a local café owner if she would be open to the idea of me hanging some photos in her premises and after her enthusiastic response, arranging the practicalities. Perusing and wallowing in some beautiful books from Lens Culture and Ain't Bad, discovering some amazing artists and repeatedly getting that warm frisson of seeing an arresting absorbing image for the first time. Receiving a critique from Lens Culture, which was both constructive and supportive. Developing ideas for longer term projects, as I stride across the island in an attempt to exorcise some of the grief, I turn the ideas over in my mind, poke, prod, expand. A day escape to London planned, an itinerary anchored in photography exhibitions, an attempt to distract the mind on something safe.
And still the text books gather dust, the coursework at a resolute halt. I am instinctively adverse to anything that requires something from me at present. The core functions integral to survival are the only ones in receipt of my limited energy, anything outside of that on the periphery, clambering for attention is currently culled. On that basis I refuse to put pressure on myself about ticking clocks and studies to be done. Instead I remember the reason why I signed up to this course, to learn, to understand, so that I could take better photographs. So lets meander on to the next section, play around with those exercises, see what new concepts they can teach me. In the meantime maybe that blank piece of paper on the drawing board will obtain an idea or two. And if it doesn't, well in the grand scheme of things, in matters of life and death, it will not be the end of the world.
Life, or more accurately death, keeps on getting in the way. Six weeks, two funerals, discombobulated and numb appearing as the predominant themes of 2019. In the initial aftermath, I did attempt to finalise Assignment Three, however upon putting it out there for critiquing it become apparent that the entire brief had been missed. This in and of itself did not disconcert me too much, I was happy with the photos I had taken, the lessons I had learned from the process (revisit, retake, helping nurture grains of ideas grow into something tangible, don't cull ideas too soon, explore all). I happily acknowledged that if the question is not answered no points are on offer and I tootled back to the drawing board. Unfortunately the drawing board has remained blank. At a time when basic functioning can take all available energy and brain capacity, no alternatives ideas for the assignment have come forth. My camera has become an extension of me, I took it out for a four hour walk, yet it firmly remain ensconced in its bag, the desire to hermit, hide away from the world, for both of us is strong.
Photography is still providing some solace, going out on a whim and asking a local café owner if she would be open to the idea of me hanging some photos in her premises and after her enthusiastic response, arranging the practicalities. Perusing and wallowing in some beautiful books from Lens Culture and Ain't Bad, discovering some amazing artists and repeatedly getting that warm frisson of seeing an arresting absorbing image for the first time. Receiving a critique from Lens Culture, which was both constructive and supportive. Developing ideas for longer term projects, as I stride across the island in an attempt to exorcise some of the grief, I turn the ideas over in my mind, poke, prod, expand. A day escape to London planned, an itinerary anchored in photography exhibitions, an attempt to distract the mind on something safe.
And still the text books gather dust, the coursework at a resolute halt. I am instinctively adverse to anything that requires something from me at present. The core functions integral to survival are the only ones in receipt of my limited energy, anything outside of that on the periphery, clambering for attention is currently culled. On that basis I refuse to put pressure on myself about ticking clocks and studies to be done. Instead I remember the reason why I signed up to this course, to learn, to understand, so that I could take better photographs. So lets meander on to the next section, play around with those exercises, see what new concepts they can teach me. In the meantime maybe that blank piece of paper on the drawing board will obtain an idea or two. And if it doesn't, well in the grand scheme of things, in matters of life and death, it will not be the end of the world.
2 June 2019
A workman and his tools
I get frustrated at the inability for the website to load, I look at it as time wasted constantly refreshing, however there is always a work around. Don’t blame the tools, undertake a different method and use the time more efficiently.
Decisive moment
This has been the stumbling block for a number of months. The assignment dreamt up, re worked, images I liked, only to realise that I was completely off brief. The timing of this alongside other trials and tribulations in life meant that all wind was sucked from my sails. Over the following months when attempting to think of an idea for the assignment, all I got was white noise. Then on holiday, I walked past a building site, a tall building covered in protective sheeting, save but one empty window opening, which suddenly framed a workman inside. I found a vantage point, framed the photo and waited for him to walk past again. I got the image. Later in the trip, when encountering wild horses galloping I succeeded (through fluke rather than intention) of capturing a horse with all four legs off the ground. My mojo started to return.
I revisited Clive’s notes and suggestions, noting that this is a method rather than a philosophy. Looking at the brief again, an issue I had found hard to grapple with was that this must be a series, what would be the linking topic. I thought of the beach and local outdoor swimming area. A location full of activity in which there would be various scenarios mid-moment that could be captured.
Runner – mid gait, both legs off the ground
Dog – catching a ball
Owner – throwing a ball
Kids – jumping into the sea
There is a genesis of an idea, one which I like, that I think I can develop upon.
Jono Rotman
https://www.bjp-online.com/2018/10/jono-rotman-mongrel/
Images
So beautifully in focus and crisp. This is what I want to achieve, this level of crispness – I have so much to learn. This is where I feel where I am most deficient. Note to self – don’t give up or get disheartened.
The portrait images are closely cropped, the person fills/dominates the frame. The colours are strong, vibrant red against black.
Topic
BJP article – “From the start, Rotman aspires to refrain from a subjective exploration and interpretation of the Mongrel Mob in favour of “transmitting their spirit while still letting them retain their mystery and privacy””.
“The unprecedented trust and access given to Rotman by this secretive group is echoed in his sense of responsibility to his subjects and their communities, a notable deviation from troubling examples of exploiting people seen as ‘other’ throughout photography’s history. “Because of their trust and what was being gifted to me in their engagement, I have a responsibility to them that the work is not something that I just take away from them. The project’s relationship to them is really important to both the spirit and power of the work.””
“Rotman and Mob members jointly developed a protocol based on transparency and sharing; he shows them work in progress and discusses how he plans to carry it out into the world. While it has not always been easy to stand steadfast when his artistic integrity is in potential jeopardy, Rotman firmly defends the intimate involvement of the Mob in the project’s evolution. The work is far stronger, he explains, because “it carries the weight of their presence within it”.”
“What lies at the heart of this argument is who deserves to be photographed and in what way. Should individuals we might otherwise turn away – those living socially ‘unacceptable’ lives – be excluded from photographs? Rotman intimates, “It’s OK to see a black-and-white, documentary photograph of someone from a difficult environment because that representation fits into the way they’re codified within the mainstream narrative.””
Takeaways
Rotman’s approach – that this project be inclusive, collaborative, a work together, rather than an image taken and meaning later ascribed. A partnership.
The socially acceptable image in which people are portrayed, are “allowed” to be portrayed, “should” be portrayed.
A workman and his tools
I get frustrated at the inability for the website to load, I look at it as time wasted constantly refreshing, however there is always a work around. Don’t blame the tools, undertake a different method and use the time more efficiently.
Decisive moment
This has been the stumbling block for a number of months. The assignment dreamt up, re worked, images I liked, only to realise that I was completely off brief. The timing of this alongside other trials and tribulations in life meant that all wind was sucked from my sails. Over the following months when attempting to think of an idea for the assignment, all I got was white noise. Then on holiday, I walked past a building site, a tall building covered in protective sheeting, save but one empty window opening, which suddenly framed a workman inside. I found a vantage point, framed the photo and waited for him to walk past again. I got the image. Later in the trip, when encountering wild horses galloping I succeeded (through fluke rather than intention) of capturing a horse with all four legs off the ground. My mojo started to return.
I revisited Clive’s notes and suggestions, noting that this is a method rather than a philosophy. Looking at the brief again, an issue I had found hard to grapple with was that this must be a series, what would be the linking topic. I thought of the beach and local outdoor swimming area. A location full of activity in which there would be various scenarios mid-moment that could be captured.
Runner – mid gait, both legs off the ground
Dog – catching a ball
Owner – throwing a ball
Kids – jumping into the sea
There is a genesis of an idea, one which I like, that I think I can develop upon.
Jono Rotman
https://www.bjp-online.com/2018/10/jono-rotman-mongrel/
Images
So beautifully in focus and crisp. This is what I want to achieve, this level of crispness – I have so much to learn. This is where I feel where I am most deficient. Note to self – don’t give up or get disheartened.
The portrait images are closely cropped, the person fills/dominates the frame. The colours are strong, vibrant red against black.
Topic
BJP article – “From the start, Rotman aspires to refrain from a subjective exploration and interpretation of the Mongrel Mob in favour of “transmitting their spirit while still letting them retain their mystery and privacy””.
“The unprecedented trust and access given to Rotman by this secretive group is echoed in his sense of responsibility to his subjects and their communities, a notable deviation from troubling examples of exploiting people seen as ‘other’ throughout photography’s history. “Because of their trust and what was being gifted to me in their engagement, I have a responsibility to them that the work is not something that I just take away from them. The project’s relationship to them is really important to both the spirit and power of the work.””
“Rotman and Mob members jointly developed a protocol based on transparency and sharing; he shows them work in progress and discusses how he plans to carry it out into the world. While it has not always been easy to stand steadfast when his artistic integrity is in potential jeopardy, Rotman firmly defends the intimate involvement of the Mob in the project’s evolution. The work is far stronger, he explains, because “it carries the weight of their presence within it”.”
“What lies at the heart of this argument is who deserves to be photographed and in what way. Should individuals we might otherwise turn away – those living socially ‘unacceptable’ lives – be excluded from photographs? Rotman intimates, “It’s OK to see a black-and-white, documentary photograph of someone from a difficult environment because that representation fits into the way they’re codified within the mainstream narrative.””
Takeaways
Rotman’s approach – that this project be inclusive, collaborative, a work together, rather than an image taken and meaning later ascribed. A partnership.
The socially acceptable image in which people are portrayed, are “allowed” to be portrayed, “should” be portrayed.
9 June 2019
I am finding this a hard habit to get back into, the writing of a weekly entry. It feels like a chore, the piece of French homework I never want to do. However, whilst re-enacting teenage petulance, the adult in me is aware that if I don’t record, I don’t evidence the work that I am doing. And I am doing some work. Admittedly not in the most efficient course completing manner. I am taking the circuitous route. When I started I was gung ho, let’s smash this out of the park, let’s be like Forrest Gump/Usain Bolt and just run right through it. Now, I am very mindful that the clock is ticking and I need to up my tortoise like speed a notch, but my focus is back on why I started this course – to learn, to improve my photographs, to give me a switch off from the unavoidable obligations of adulting. Grief is still a steady and constant companion, a continual drain on energy and motivation. But regardless of assignments undertaken and coursework diligently completed or not as the case, alas, may be, I do still have a fundamental interest and am slowly, pleasurably expanding my knowledge.
Whilst faithfully, in proper old school manner, writing up notes from Photography A Critical Introduction (realising that it is only by undertaking this slow plodding method that the information properly seeps in and is comprehended), I came upon a beautifully intriguing thought. The description of Barthes argument that “The photograph – that is the chemically treated and processed paper – is invisible. It is not it that we see. Rather through it we see that which is represented. (Wells 2015:37)” made me consider Hiroshi Sugimoto’s long exposure photographs of theatre screens. They purposefully make us see the physical screen, the method in which the images are viewed and that which we automatically dismiss, forget, when overlaid with an image. Sugimoto’s images are akin to calling out the Emperor’s new clothes, making us see that which is obvious, in plain sight, but which are often blind to.
The other activity I have been joyfully undertaking is purposefully seeking out new photographers, BJP and Lens Culture proving fertile areas of discovery. Viewing Fernando Bayona’s images in “The life of other” and seeing an essence Gregory Clewsdon. Whilst clearly different artists, some of their photographs have a similar style, meticulously staged, beautiful crispness of image, pregnant with portent atmosphere.
To be able to make these connections, admittedly basic rudimentary ones, gives me confidence that I am slowly expanding my knowledge, it is sinking in, I am learning. Maybe not at the speed or in the prescribed format (i.e. coursework) that I should, but I am achieving my aim in some manner and at present, I’ll take that.
I am finding this a hard habit to get back into, the writing of a weekly entry. It feels like a chore, the piece of French homework I never want to do. However, whilst re-enacting teenage petulance, the adult in me is aware that if I don’t record, I don’t evidence the work that I am doing. And I am doing some work. Admittedly not in the most efficient course completing manner. I am taking the circuitous route. When I started I was gung ho, let’s smash this out of the park, let’s be like Forrest Gump/Usain Bolt and just run right through it. Now, I am very mindful that the clock is ticking and I need to up my tortoise like speed a notch, but my focus is back on why I started this course – to learn, to improve my photographs, to give me a switch off from the unavoidable obligations of adulting. Grief is still a steady and constant companion, a continual drain on energy and motivation. But regardless of assignments undertaken and coursework diligently completed or not as the case, alas, may be, I do still have a fundamental interest and am slowly, pleasurably expanding my knowledge.
Whilst faithfully, in proper old school manner, writing up notes from Photography A Critical Introduction (realising that it is only by undertaking this slow plodding method that the information properly seeps in and is comprehended), I came upon a beautifully intriguing thought. The description of Barthes argument that “The photograph – that is the chemically treated and processed paper – is invisible. It is not it that we see. Rather through it we see that which is represented. (Wells 2015:37)” made me consider Hiroshi Sugimoto’s long exposure photographs of theatre screens. They purposefully make us see the physical screen, the method in which the images are viewed and that which we automatically dismiss, forget, when overlaid with an image. Sugimoto’s images are akin to calling out the Emperor’s new clothes, making us see that which is obvious, in plain sight, but which are often blind to.
The other activity I have been joyfully undertaking is purposefully seeking out new photographers, BJP and Lens Culture proving fertile areas of discovery. Viewing Fernando Bayona’s images in “The life of other” and seeing an essence Gregory Clewsdon. Whilst clearly different artists, some of their photographs have a similar style, meticulously staged, beautiful crispness of image, pregnant with portent atmosphere.
To be able to make these connections, admittedly basic rudimentary ones, gives me confidence that I am slowly expanding my knowledge, it is sinking in, I am learning. Maybe not at the speed or in the prescribed format (i.e. coursework) that I should, but I am achieving my aim in some manner and at present, I’ll take that.
16 June 2019
Fear
I pottle along quite amiably and then read of others who are with apparent grace and ease striding through the course, whilst I…I have become waylaid. Photography is proving part of my weekly routing, I am developing good habits - the collation and uploading of all previous images, consuming bite sized chunks of photography theory, which I chew over like an elderly arthritic ruminant, trying to again absorb and understand the various functionality of my camera – all good great stuff. However none of it is currently involving the completion of any exercises or assignments. And that, well that needs to change. I don’t want it to be at the expense of the elements I am doing now, the bits that are engaging me and how I am engaging with them. I want to properly explore, understand, not just tick the box and regurgitate by rote. Again I return to, what I am seeking from this endeavour.
Fear
I pottle along quite amiably and then read of others who are with apparent grace and ease striding through the course, whilst I…I have become waylaid. Photography is proving part of my weekly routing, I am developing good habits - the collation and uploading of all previous images, consuming bite sized chunks of photography theory, which I chew over like an elderly arthritic ruminant, trying to again absorb and understand the various functionality of my camera – all good great stuff. However none of it is currently involving the completion of any exercises or assignments. And that, well that needs to change. I don’t want it to be at the expense of the elements I am doing now, the bits that are engaging me and how I am engaging with them. I want to properly explore, understand, not just tick the box and regurgitate by rote. Again I return to, what I am seeking from this endeavour.
14 July 2019
Happy one year anniversary
Time to oil up these rusty joints and get back into the flow of things. Do the tasks I do not want to do .
Thoughts to be expanded upon later:
White gaze
Busying myself with necessary chores, one ear half tuned into the TV breakfast news. The part of the programme dedicated to viewers vents, discussing on this occasion the photograph of the dead bodies of Alberto Martínez Ramírez and his 23-month-old daughter Valeria who drowned trying to cross the Rio Grande and the links to the image of the body of three year old Alan Kurdi. The outraged email writer questioning whether if the image was of a British/Western child, would the British media be so willing to publish it. My brain immediately sparked and placed this within the sphere of "white gaze". The willingness to objectify (with free flowing self justification) the most scaroscant of moments when it is happening to "another", when it is able to be viewed through the safety of a subconscious (or maybe conscious) lense of racism. "Oh pity the poor people, look at their struggle", when not of same ethnic group there is a false sense of detachment/security. It is not something happening to people looking like me therefore it is not a risk I have to face. Rather than the reality of - there by the grace of God/luck (depending on religious tendencies) go I.
Happy one year anniversary
Time to oil up these rusty joints and get back into the flow of things. Do the tasks I do not want to do .
Thoughts to be expanded upon later:
White gaze
Busying myself with necessary chores, one ear half tuned into the TV breakfast news. The part of the programme dedicated to viewers vents, discussing on this occasion the photograph of the dead bodies of Alberto Martínez Ramírez and his 23-month-old daughter Valeria who drowned trying to cross the Rio Grande and the links to the image of the body of three year old Alan Kurdi. The outraged email writer questioning whether if the image was of a British/Western child, would the British media be so willing to publish it. My brain immediately sparked and placed this within the sphere of "white gaze". The willingness to objectify (with free flowing self justification) the most scaroscant of moments when it is happening to "another", when it is able to be viewed through the safety of a subconscious (or maybe conscious) lense of racism. "Oh pity the poor people, look at their struggle", when not of same ethnic group there is a false sense of detachment/security. It is not something happening to people looking like me therefore it is not a risk I have to face. Rather than the reality of - there by the grace of God/luck (depending on religious tendencies) go I.
Idea 1
I have recently bought my first tripod, which has lead me to wanting to experiment with long exposure photographs.
I have recently bought my first tripod, which has lead me to wanting to experiment with long exposure photographs.
Whilst it is fully logical and predictable on a bright summer's day, I had not been expecting the overexposure. The combination between the increasingly blurred figures and the level of overexposure, made me think of over indulgence - too much of a good thing can be bad for you. Light causing overexposure but also skin damage. The sun's bleaching effect, erasing all the finer details. I am aware that I am not able to clearly contain and communicate the fluttering amphorous idea and that I could be deemed to be spouting the type of pretentious twaddle that I rally so ferociously about, however something worth exploring is there.
22 September 2019
It has been too long.
The time elapsed since the last entry, has been filled with much shutter finger exercise, many photos taken, camera happily dangling across my torso. However this, this course, this work, this endeavour, has developed an inertia, that could easily creep into abandonment. I have developed a fear, a frustration, which I need to overcome. I need to focus and structure my efforts. I need to not give up. Don't let the decisive moment become the definitive moment.
Right, let's go back to basic's. What is the assignment and how do I need to present my work. I believe I have a concept of what will fulfill the brief but lack of confidence is causing me to hesitate and prevaricate. Assessment is ultimately about obtaining feedback, the work should be as good as possible, but is not expected to be perfect. So I will submit what I have, but I should do it with thought and consideration, rather than just throw it together akin to a hastily packed suitcase, with snatches of clothes sticking out, the contents messed and crumpled. Show what I have in the best possible light - endeavour to achieve as high as possible quality of outcome.
It has been too long.
The time elapsed since the last entry, has been filled with much shutter finger exercise, many photos taken, camera happily dangling across my torso. However this, this course, this work, this endeavour, has developed an inertia, that could easily creep into abandonment. I have developed a fear, a frustration, which I need to overcome. I need to focus and structure my efforts. I need to not give up. Don't let the decisive moment become the definitive moment.
Right, let's go back to basic's. What is the assignment and how do I need to present my work. I believe I have a concept of what will fulfill the brief but lack of confidence is causing me to hesitate and prevaricate. Assessment is ultimately about obtaining feedback, the work should be as good as possible, but is not expected to be perfect. So I will submit what I have, but I should do it with thought and consideration, rather than just throw it together akin to a hastily packed suitcase, with snatches of clothes sticking out, the contents messed and crumpled. Show what I have in the best possible light - endeavour to achieve as high as possible quality of outcome.
27 September 2019
Time to channel my inner Bladrick and Blackadder and come up with a cunning plan
I am re-engaged and revitalised in the respect of this course, to capitalise on this I need to come up with a cunning plan to avoid being stuck in future quagmires. Lessons learned:
I want to complete this course
I want to do it to the best of my ability
I need to set milestones, detail what I want to achieve, so that even if I do end up off brief with my assignments, I have made tangible progress in respect of my knowledge and technical knowledge, regardless of how small.
I have toyed with Part 4 over the summer whilst attempting to avoid the elephant in the room of Assignment 3. I think it is time for a fresh slate, lets see if I can make Blackadder proud with a plan to complete this Part that is as cunning as a fox.
Time to channel my inner Bladrick and Blackadder and come up with a cunning plan
I am re-engaged and revitalised in the respect of this course, to capitalise on this I need to come up with a cunning plan to avoid being stuck in future quagmires. Lessons learned:
I want to complete this course
I want to do it to the best of my ability
I need to set milestones, detail what I want to achieve, so that even if I do end up off brief with my assignments, I have made tangible progress in respect of my knowledge and technical knowledge, regardless of how small.
I have toyed with Part 4 over the summer whilst attempting to avoid the elephant in the room of Assignment 3. I think it is time for a fresh slate, lets see if I can make Blackadder proud with a plan to complete this Part that is as cunning as a fox.
29 September 2019
As I stomped around the island yesterday on the hunt for gorillas, I came to several conclusions/realisations:
Progress
Having attending Tuesday's webinar, I am aware that I need (would like) to polish this website prior to submission, so that items are presented in a clear, logical, aesthetically pleasing manner. Looking at the current Research tab, I noted a quote from Langford's Basic Photography:
"Without full knowledge of your equipment's ability to articulate what you are trying to express, it's like trying to speak with a limited vocabulary."
Being mindful of my current topic of study, light and exposure, as I was taking photos yesterday, I purposefully noted the light, were any of the images blown out (noting the wording in the textbook that this cannot be recovered), adjusting the exposure compensation and taking the image again such that they no longer showed as being blown out. As I concluded this on some of the first photos of the day, I realised how far I have come in my working photography method. Before this course, the screen would be closed and no images would be reviewed until safe at home. Now I instantly check, I read the histogram, I know what that flashing in the preview image means, I know exactly what has to be done to rectify it. I am slowly expanding my vocabulary and I find it empowering.
My camera is not a snowflake
I have always taken a Gollum-esque view towards my camera, it is my precious, I have wrapped it in the figurative cotton wool, to admittedly an extreme extent. Yesterday was one of those days which appeared designed by the gods to see just how long a chilled calm composure could be maintained. A water bottle flooding my bag before I even left the house. A fundamentally different interpretation of the meaning of "occasional showers" between me and the Jersey weather office (continual rain for two hours, on at times torrential). A lens cap dropped into a puddle and then several hours later lost for good.
Determined to not let the rain prevent a photo being taken, I braved the torrent and as I sought the safety of shelter again I noted my camera was completely wet, but had not suddenly stopped functioning/melted. Likewise with the loss of the lens cap, I had no choice but to leave my lens uncovered, exposed to the elements for three hours whilst I walked. The lens did not get scratched and the remaining images of the day came out fine. Clearly neither of these things are ideal, but it did make me realise that my camera is sturdier than I have previously given it credit for. I will of course alway treat it with respect, however I will stop being such a helicopter parent.
Deadlines do work
To raise funds to build a new gorilla enclosure and house, this summer the local zoo placed 80 gorilla statues, large and small and all uniquely decorated, around the island. I had noticed some of them over the last few months, however it wasn't until I discovered that they would be removed and auctioned off in three weeks time, that I suddenly felt a strong urge to ensure that I had seen all of them. The thought of getting up at 6.30am on a Saturday will normally make me act like Kevin the teenager, whiny and sulky, yet for this I was excited, motivated, mindful that it was a case of now or never.
The unplanned photos are often the best
Part of my rationale for photographing the gorillas was that I thought it could be an interesting concept for a reworking of the collections assignment. In my mind I had an image of a selection of photos taken from a prescribed viewpoint/aperture/focal length, to provide a consistency of framing which would then highlight the differences between the images, whilst providing a pleasing and constant uniformity. On first review, my lack of rigour/discipline in the frame setting of each of the images means that I do not believe that I have achieved my initial aim. However some of my best photographs of the day, were the ones which just suddenly appeared and as the camera was hanging across my torso, I was able to capture the moment. I have previously mused on this, that I need to wonder, eyes open, mind clear and camera to hand. I think I need to bring my camera with me more often, almost have it as a staple item alongside wallet and keys.
As I stomped around the island yesterday on the hunt for gorillas, I came to several conclusions/realisations:
Progress
Having attending Tuesday's webinar, I am aware that I need (would like) to polish this website prior to submission, so that items are presented in a clear, logical, aesthetically pleasing manner. Looking at the current Research tab, I noted a quote from Langford's Basic Photography:
"Without full knowledge of your equipment's ability to articulate what you are trying to express, it's like trying to speak with a limited vocabulary."
Being mindful of my current topic of study, light and exposure, as I was taking photos yesterday, I purposefully noted the light, were any of the images blown out (noting the wording in the textbook that this cannot be recovered), adjusting the exposure compensation and taking the image again such that they no longer showed as being blown out. As I concluded this on some of the first photos of the day, I realised how far I have come in my working photography method. Before this course, the screen would be closed and no images would be reviewed until safe at home. Now I instantly check, I read the histogram, I know what that flashing in the preview image means, I know exactly what has to be done to rectify it. I am slowly expanding my vocabulary and I find it empowering.
My camera is not a snowflake
I have always taken a Gollum-esque view towards my camera, it is my precious, I have wrapped it in the figurative cotton wool, to admittedly an extreme extent. Yesterday was one of those days which appeared designed by the gods to see just how long a chilled calm composure could be maintained. A water bottle flooding my bag before I even left the house. A fundamentally different interpretation of the meaning of "occasional showers" between me and the Jersey weather office (continual rain for two hours, on at times torrential). A lens cap dropped into a puddle and then several hours later lost for good.
Determined to not let the rain prevent a photo being taken, I braved the torrent and as I sought the safety of shelter again I noted my camera was completely wet, but had not suddenly stopped functioning/melted. Likewise with the loss of the lens cap, I had no choice but to leave my lens uncovered, exposed to the elements for three hours whilst I walked. The lens did not get scratched and the remaining images of the day came out fine. Clearly neither of these things are ideal, but it did make me realise that my camera is sturdier than I have previously given it credit for. I will of course alway treat it with respect, however I will stop being such a helicopter parent.
Deadlines do work
To raise funds to build a new gorilla enclosure and house, this summer the local zoo placed 80 gorilla statues, large and small and all uniquely decorated, around the island. I had noticed some of them over the last few months, however it wasn't until I discovered that they would be removed and auctioned off in three weeks time, that I suddenly felt a strong urge to ensure that I had seen all of them. The thought of getting up at 6.30am on a Saturday will normally make me act like Kevin the teenager, whiny and sulky, yet for this I was excited, motivated, mindful that it was a case of now or never.
The unplanned photos are often the best
Part of my rationale for photographing the gorillas was that I thought it could be an interesting concept for a reworking of the collections assignment. In my mind I had an image of a selection of photos taken from a prescribed viewpoint/aperture/focal length, to provide a consistency of framing which would then highlight the differences between the images, whilst providing a pleasing and constant uniformity. On first review, my lack of rigour/discipline in the frame setting of each of the images means that I do not believe that I have achieved my initial aim. However some of my best photographs of the day, were the ones which just suddenly appeared and as the camera was hanging across my torso, I was able to capture the moment. I have previously mused on this, that I need to wonder, eyes open, mind clear and camera to hand. I think I need to bring my camera with me more often, almost have it as a staple item alongside wallet and keys.
6 October 2019
The birthplace of myths
My photography mojo is remaining high. It is motivating me to get out and about in situations and at times which in the past my couch would have had a firm grip on my body and my mind. I am enjoying it, I am energised by expanding my photography vocabulary and where that takes me. I am mindful that this is likely to be cyclical, that the energy levels will ebb and flow, however the current high tide is most pleasant.
This weekend, with a slightly fuzzy head and a craving for carbs, it was a beautiful wide stretch of beach that called. I initially had plans of Fay Goodwin esque patience, of sitting and watching the light play across the water, whilst experimenting for the first time with manual mode. A quote from her obituary circled my mind as I strode along the beach to a much loved cantina.
"One commentator suggested to Godwin that she had been lucky to catch a certain perfect sky. “I didn’t catch it,” was Godwin’s reply. “I sat down and waited three days for it.”"
With a belly full of pad thai and the hangover just about rescinded, I concluded that patience was unlikely to be the virtue of my day and that this experiment should be revisited another time. With a desire for more fresh air and walking, I set off for my final destination. Whilst not cold, it was an overcast day, autumn had definitely arrived. Once firmly away for the safety of any shelter I noticed the disappearance of the lighthouse ahead into the low lying cloud and shortly after the rain reached me. It was that type of soft insistent drizzle that leads you into a false sense of security. The precipitation not heavy enough to make you do a firm quick change of plans but which still after a few short minutes has drenched any none fully waterproof clothes. What was already a quiet beach, become all but abandoned and as I transferred up to the cliff path, with no option but to continue, I was fully alone. And there, for that short period of time, I entered a slightly ethereal world.
The low cloud and soft rain, dampened the light and sharpness of the world, akin to viewing it through the vaseline smeared lenses of 1930s cinema. The human imprint on the land around the edge of the bay could no longer be seen. It was almost a kindness, the sting of damage/ugliness caused to the landscape, temporarily removed, gilded over.
Then as I continued along the headland, I questioned just exactly what I was seeing. Dependent on where you are and in which direction of you are facing on the coast of this island, there will be the shape of a distant land mass sitting low on the horizon, France, Sark or Guernsey. Ahead of me through the rain, was a similar shape, hugging the horizon. However I was on the wrong part of the island, facing the wrong direction, for this to be true. The next landmass from that point was America. Despite the clearly defined logic of this in my mind, some part of my brain kept on reading the visual image my eyes were portraying, the light and shadow on the horizon through the misty rain, as land. Alone, with the only sound the rain hitting my coat, I suddenly and clearly understood how myths were born and sincerely believed.
The birthplace of myths
My photography mojo is remaining high. It is motivating me to get out and about in situations and at times which in the past my couch would have had a firm grip on my body and my mind. I am enjoying it, I am energised by expanding my photography vocabulary and where that takes me. I am mindful that this is likely to be cyclical, that the energy levels will ebb and flow, however the current high tide is most pleasant.
This weekend, with a slightly fuzzy head and a craving for carbs, it was a beautiful wide stretch of beach that called. I initially had plans of Fay Goodwin esque patience, of sitting and watching the light play across the water, whilst experimenting for the first time with manual mode. A quote from her obituary circled my mind as I strode along the beach to a much loved cantina.
"One commentator suggested to Godwin that she had been lucky to catch a certain perfect sky. “I didn’t catch it,” was Godwin’s reply. “I sat down and waited three days for it.”"
With a belly full of pad thai and the hangover just about rescinded, I concluded that patience was unlikely to be the virtue of my day and that this experiment should be revisited another time. With a desire for more fresh air and walking, I set off for my final destination. Whilst not cold, it was an overcast day, autumn had definitely arrived. Once firmly away for the safety of any shelter I noticed the disappearance of the lighthouse ahead into the low lying cloud and shortly after the rain reached me. It was that type of soft insistent drizzle that leads you into a false sense of security. The precipitation not heavy enough to make you do a firm quick change of plans but which still after a few short minutes has drenched any none fully waterproof clothes. What was already a quiet beach, become all but abandoned and as I transferred up to the cliff path, with no option but to continue, I was fully alone. And there, for that short period of time, I entered a slightly ethereal world.
The low cloud and soft rain, dampened the light and sharpness of the world, akin to viewing it through the vaseline smeared lenses of 1930s cinema. The human imprint on the land around the edge of the bay could no longer be seen. It was almost a kindness, the sting of damage/ugliness caused to the landscape, temporarily removed, gilded over.
Then as I continued along the headland, I questioned just exactly what I was seeing. Dependent on where you are and in which direction of you are facing on the coast of this island, there will be the shape of a distant land mass sitting low on the horizon, France, Sark or Guernsey. Ahead of me through the rain, was a similar shape, hugging the horizon. However I was on the wrong part of the island, facing the wrong direction, for this to be true. The next landmass from that point was America. Despite the clearly defined logic of this in my mind, some part of my brain kept on reading the visual image my eyes were portraying, the light and shadow on the horizon through the misty rain, as land. Alone, with the only sound the rain hitting my coat, I suddenly and clearly understood how myths were born and sincerely believed.
Looking at that third image now, twenty four hours on, in the warmth and comfort of my home, it is perhaps a bit more wilfully I see the landmass on the horizon, rather that just shadow. I think back to my instinctive reaction on viewing Tacita Dean's video on the green ray. I was fully focused, wanting to see this clear, definitive, unquestionable flash of green. Afterwards, I was not convinced I had seen anything, maybe I saw something but... For me to say I had, would ring a tad of proclaiming the beauty of the Emperors new clothes.
As noted in exercise 4.1, I am much more of a Sally Mann rather than a Michael Schmidt photographer, I want the feelings, communication with emotion, I just need to be careful to not stretch that too far. Use a clear visual vocabulary accessible to everyone, not only a specific few. I want the decoding to be instant. No explanation from others required.
As noted in exercise 4.1, I am much more of a Sally Mann rather than a Michael Schmidt photographer, I want the feelings, communication with emotion, I just need to be careful to not stretch that too far. Use a clear visual vocabulary accessible to everyone, not only a specific few. I want the decoding to be instant. No explanation from others required.
20 October 2019
Hermit
The shutter finger has become rusty over the last fortnight, not a picture taken. Yet ironically many have been lined up, composed, filed for future exposure. The problem being either not having camera to hand, or at present an emotional and physical exhaustion resulting in me not wanting to leave the confines of my hobbit hole unless completely required. Despite the barrating in my head at such lack of motivation, just go out, just do it, on this occasion the big girl pants are being left to one side and I instead I seek restorative solace in solitude.
For such antipathy and after taking so long to settle on an idea for assignment three, artificial lights has got me conjutating nicely. A number of night time flights over the last week has got me viewing the visual beauty of the artificial night time vistas that have been created. In the daytime, the car parks and airport terminals are functional, practical, however the the coming of the night and the imposition of the artificial lights, an ethereal, temporary beauty is bestowed. I know exactly the images I wish to capture, it is a case of learning the different white balance settings and re finding my mojo.
Whilst undertaking the research for exercise 4.2, I came across the chance finding which has become one of the highlights of this course for me, the photographers I would have never discovered otherwise. Mykola Romanovsky's photograph of Denmark Hill, an illuminated cross appearing to hang over the train station, which had been chosen as part of an exhibition to run alongside another exhibition featuring one of the photographers named in exercise 4.2. This exhibition seemed designed with this exercise in mind, London Nights. The lovely rabbit holes that suddenly appear.
Hermit
The shutter finger has become rusty over the last fortnight, not a picture taken. Yet ironically many have been lined up, composed, filed for future exposure. The problem being either not having camera to hand, or at present an emotional and physical exhaustion resulting in me not wanting to leave the confines of my hobbit hole unless completely required. Despite the barrating in my head at such lack of motivation, just go out, just do it, on this occasion the big girl pants are being left to one side and I instead I seek restorative solace in solitude.
For such antipathy and after taking so long to settle on an idea for assignment three, artificial lights has got me conjutating nicely. A number of night time flights over the last week has got me viewing the visual beauty of the artificial night time vistas that have been created. In the daytime, the car parks and airport terminals are functional, practical, however the the coming of the night and the imposition of the artificial lights, an ethereal, temporary beauty is bestowed. I know exactly the images I wish to capture, it is a case of learning the different white balance settings and re finding my mojo.
Whilst undertaking the research for exercise 4.2, I came across the chance finding which has become one of the highlights of this course for me, the photographers I would have never discovered otherwise. Mykola Romanovsky's photograph of Denmark Hill, an illuminated cross appearing to hang over the train station, which had been chosen as part of an exhibition to run alongside another exhibition featuring one of the photographers named in exercise 4.2. This exhibition seemed designed with this exercise in mind, London Nights. The lovely rabbit holes that suddenly appear.
4 January 2020
I creek open the website and half heartedly blow the dust off all that surrounds these studies. Familiar bedfellows have led me astray from any studious endeavours, travel, which involved much exercising of the camera, and work dominating the weeks and every ounce of energy in the run up to the end of the year. Yet as valid as both of those rationales are, the thought of these studies have hung over me, pervasive, ever present, but something I instinctively fight against, like the nagging toothache which refuses to go away, the awkward conversation that must be had but you which would give anything to avoid, the plaster that has to be ripped from sensitive and raw skin. It gives rise to ever growing antipathy, something I cannot understand, I am unable to rationalise, as photography is something I love and a subject matter which I am acutely aware I have much to learn and most importantly I want to learn. I see photos that others have taken and compare them to those of mine I have taken at the exact same moment/situation and the deep felt burning pang when seeing that theirs is better and feeling like I missed an opportunity, I wasted that unique decisive moment.
Why the inertia, why feeling confined, unable to break constraints which I cannot even see, rationalise, articulate. I know the happiness photography gives me, and that when I am in that headspace I enjoy it. I need to understand how I end up disconnecting, becoming lost from that happy place and try and ensure I put in place permanent, non Hansel and Gretel esque paths so that I always find my way home.
I creek open the website and half heartedly blow the dust off all that surrounds these studies. Familiar bedfellows have led me astray from any studious endeavours, travel, which involved much exercising of the camera, and work dominating the weeks and every ounce of energy in the run up to the end of the year. Yet as valid as both of those rationales are, the thought of these studies have hung over me, pervasive, ever present, but something I instinctively fight against, like the nagging toothache which refuses to go away, the awkward conversation that must be had but you which would give anything to avoid, the plaster that has to be ripped from sensitive and raw skin. It gives rise to ever growing antipathy, something I cannot understand, I am unable to rationalise, as photography is something I love and a subject matter which I am acutely aware I have much to learn and most importantly I want to learn. I see photos that others have taken and compare them to those of mine I have taken at the exact same moment/situation and the deep felt burning pang when seeing that theirs is better and feeling like I missed an opportunity, I wasted that unique decisive moment.
Why the inertia, why feeling confined, unable to break constraints which I cannot even see, rationalise, articulate. I know the happiness photography gives me, and that when I am in that headspace I enjoy it. I need to understand how I end up disconnecting, becoming lost from that happy place and try and ensure I put in place permanent, non Hansel and Gretel esque paths so that I always find my way home.
12 January 2020
Glimmers of hope
I find myself often paralysed by indecision, self-doubt. It wraps itself around me like a pin studded hair shirt. I know what it is like to have a mindset of achieving tasks, applying focus and effort, getting on a roll, churning through them. For whatever reason I am unable to get into that routine, that rhythm. I start, I gain some traction, I go forward a small amount and then...then, I find myself glazed in treacle, unable to escape the quagmire. I appreciate that this is meant to be a learning log, the emphasis being on the word "learning", rather than some throw back to angst ridden teenage diaries. I suppose at the moment I just hurt, which has a damn sight more to do with grief than it does photography.
So the positives of the week:
I do not want to give up on this course, I want to complete it. I need to ensure the self-flagellation does not become permanently debilitating. I should submit what I have done even if it is not to the standard I want, I will still learn, I will still gain something from it, rather than getting nothing at all from letting it atrophy in the shadows. When I find myself painfully paralysed with self-doubt, remind myself what I tell the team when there is an over reaction - Did anyone die? No. Then is it worthy of you stressing to this high level?
Glimmers of hope
I find myself often paralysed by indecision, self-doubt. It wraps itself around me like a pin studded hair shirt. I know what it is like to have a mindset of achieving tasks, applying focus and effort, getting on a roll, churning through them. For whatever reason I am unable to get into that routine, that rhythm. I start, I gain some traction, I go forward a small amount and then...then, I find myself glazed in treacle, unable to escape the quagmire. I appreciate that this is meant to be a learning log, the emphasis being on the word "learning", rather than some throw back to angst ridden teenage diaries. I suppose at the moment I just hurt, which has a damn sight more to do with grief than it does photography.
So the positives of the week:
- The quick tackling of exercise 4.3, after acting quickly on the sudden of appearance of the "sod it, let's do it" attitude reaping results. Like last week, once I had started, all doubt, all intransigence temporarily disappeared. I was happily absorbed in the moment, coming up with solutions/work arounds - I have no deflector what am I going to do....well I do have the white backing board for A2 photo mounts.
- The smooth ease of setting up the tripod, folding it, walking, resetting up, walking, resetting up. The feeling when things start to become habit, fluid, a comfortable understanding of equipment, that only repeated use and experimenting can bring.
- The beautiful moment when an idea for Exercise 4.4, silently, subtly, serenely, wafted into my mind. Months ago (the use of that unit of time makes me wince as I type it) I racked my mind as to subjects, on my strides across the island, half an eye on elements that could be re-interpreted, none of them grabbing me, all ideas stillborn. Then as I re-read the exercise, undertook the google search, the idea came to mind. An idea I knew to be mine, not influenced by others, no poor re-interpretation of an other's true originality, just mine. I now need to implement it, create what is in my mind's eye, but oh am I happy with where my mind has gone.
I do not want to give up on this course, I want to complete it. I need to ensure the self-flagellation does not become permanently debilitating. I should submit what I have done even if it is not to the standard I want, I will still learn, I will still gain something from it, rather than getting nothing at all from letting it atrophy in the shadows. When I find myself painfully paralysed with self-doubt, remind myself what I tell the team when there is an over reaction - Did anyone die? No. Then is it worthy of you stressing to this high level?